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Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Cold_wolf77's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 4th, 2012
4:34 pm
Scholars
Scholars I absolutely love scholars. They are like celebrities to me I want to be a scholar so bad xD. I do wonder when I became so fixated on scholars. Before that I was fascinated with gangster rappers O_o.  
1 Dream|Just Imagine
Monday, December 3rd, 2012
5:08 pm
Hmmmmm I wonder
^_^ I feel so renewed. Today I relieved myself of some pent up emotions that I wasn't able to feel because of the barriers around my heart. I would let my heart speak and feel more often if it didn't threaten to envelope my mind and spirit all the time. Letting my emotions become the force that will judge my every action and decision has never been a favored idea. Emotions can be such a hindrance, especially in this industrial environment. I wish I wasn't so cautious all the time. But sometimes I can't help myself, I remembered recently that my life changed after one of my best friends ever turned around and tried to destroy me. I also can recall a few other instances when good friends threatened to kill me after one joined the cryps and the other joined MS 13. Ever since, I was always on my guard even when I completely trust certain people. But that is still in the past right? So why can't I let myself free? shouldn't my intuition and knowledge comfort me into letting my guard down? Deep down I know that it's down right silly to think any of my friends would do me any harm. The only thing I could imagine happening is my friends stealing from me or talking bad about me behind my back. So Jeffrey, what is it with you? This question has kept me away from people for a long time. The voice in my brain said "if you can't allow your friends into your heart then they probably are not close friends to you; they are acquaintances." But maybe that isn't true, because your heart shakes when I said they are acquaintances." So whats going on with you Jeffrey?" Do you fear intimacy?" I think no. I believe the reason is I'm very much into self preservation. Yes I knew the answer but I didn't want to believe it; I think I'm selfish and take little interest in others. But that can't be completely true either since from time to time I do take interest in others. But perhaps I do that so they can return the favor. I never believed in unconditional love, maybe that supports it. I don't know really. I have always boasted that my mind is cloaked in black clouds and my heart is within the deep blue depths of water. My soul searches for both but can't seem to grab a clue, only speculations as to where they are.

Current Mood: blank
1 Dream|Just Imagine
3:33 am
Lack Emotions
I think really have loss touch with my emotions. Sometimes I shed a tear but I can't seem to bring myself to cry as in cry extendedly. Do I fear my emotions; I would understand if I did. When I let my emotions take me, I tend to do a nothing at all. I know that the world stops for no one so I try to not let my emotions envelope me.  

Current Mood: nauseated
1 Dream|Just Imagine
3:19 am
????
I feel like I'm at a loss I don't know what to do anymore. Sigh.. Whenever I feel this way I always fall out from the rest of the world. But   I know that such behavior isn't very grown up way to behave. All I know  can do is apologize to all that I have hurt -_-. I so want to run away into the mountains so no one can find me, but then people would worried sick. When I think about that I get pissed because I know that would hinder my desire to travel x(. Sometimes I believe I don't belong here....
1 Dream|Just Imagine
Monday, November 26th, 2012
5:27 pm
Every time I try to socialize with people, it becomes painfully obvious that I am socially awkward; usually because I don't have anything interesting to talk about other than art and books I've read. But who wants to talk about that all day? -_-. 
1 Dream|Just Imagine
Saturday, November 24th, 2012
10:34 pm
How the pastor made me feel better about fishing
The pastors fishing trip was terrible but also comical. For 3 hours he didn't catch a thing while his son caught tons of fish. The pastor finally caught a fish which is a shark, but he couldn't cook it because sharks can't be eaten. His bad fishing trip made me feel better about my fishing trip. 2 times I ever caught a fish a bird steals it from me; When I was at the cherry creek reservoir, after an hour and a half I finally hooked a fish only to have a pelican scoop it out of the water. I chased after it immediately I ALMOST HAD IT TOO. My friends convinced me not to swim after it in a futile attempt to get my fish back. I was fishing in the Aurora reservoir and a  bald eagle hooked my fish when the fish swam out the water in mid air. The park ranger said don't hurt the bird they are endangered but I still waited until he was gone so I can climb the tree. The eagle might have clawed and pecked my eyes out but MAN THATS MYYYYYY FISH YOU OPPORTUNISTIC GREEDY BIRD!!! I WAITED 2 HOURS FOR THAT BASS. -_0
Just Imagine
Wednesday, November 21st, 2012
5:42 am
Me vs my demon.
I have bathed in the dark trenches of the world but resisted it's temptations, now that I have seen the light, I want to leave it. This is how I feel.....

Biolizard Lyrics

I'm gonna be desperate 
Never lose, hurry, never lose, hurry
I believe in my future, farewell to the shadow
It was my place to live, but I need your hand.
Lead me out with your light, I breath in,
The disgusting air of darkness, but I never lose out

To the pressure, everything just like,
An illusion, I'll be losing you, before long..

I never lose my confidence,
I know you were supporting me,
Supporting me, supporting me,
I'll be losing you before long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zah19RJJ2EQ


He's a black tarry beast who wants me to succumb to the horrors of our world. I am now stuck in it's clutches, as it poisons my skin. The creature destroys my blood, which suffocates my brain. I mustn't allow this beast to devour my resolve, I can't let it feast upon my sanity. I'am sinking into the darkness; the grimy substance will not let me go until I conquer it. But how do I defeat it? I feel like I have surrendered due to falsehood, corruption and deceit of this world. But I don't want to give up! Fuck those fuck-tards that have exploited the innocent as cattle to satisfy their ever insatiable industry to dominate. Every fiber of my being wants to rise up and vanquish those horrible fiends. We live in the devils garden, so this is to be expected. I know the world isn't supposed to be perfect; However, we should all play a part in help making the world more bearable for others. This is what it means to follow the code of honor and virtue. Sadly not everyone follow's the so called idealistic dribble. What is one man to do; Or rather, How can I incite bright minds to provide fruitful insight to amend that evil tends to vastly overpower virtue?
1 Dream|Just Imagine
Friday, November 16th, 2012
9:21 am
The not so kind rules of life
People think I'm wierd or stupid for saying this but, "despite all the nonsense and hardships I have to go through, I still relish the life I had to live." When life is easy, I don't feel the need to work any harder than a baby has too. In my opinion, the easy life is only for babies, because they would need a tranquil living in their vulnerable state. For us adults, who should be strong, intelligent, already have things figured will get the fangs of life. The valuables that are desired in life is never suppose to be free by no means, nor is it suppose to be easy to acquire; even while I was a child, that was always true. I remember back when I was 6 until 9 years old, I had a big problem with stealing candy, Poke'mon cards and Digimon cards, but getting away with it was uncommon when my mom was around.  Life in it's self was never meant to be pleasant or basic; the weak and fools who treat it as such will eventually succumb then crash. In this cruel world the active, intelligent and lucky will survive, and when they do survive one can never relax for too long. 
1 Dream|Just Imagine
Thursday, November 15th, 2012
2:41 am
Sometimes I believe I'm some sort of martian. It is so hard for me to connect with people and I have so much trouble communicating with people. I suppose I can blame my lone wolf tendencies for that. But I can't help it, I have this unrelenting drive to be alone. I remembered when I attended Overland high school  I would go into the park that is up the street from Utah park. The park is full of tall grasses and lots of trees too; the perfect place for me to relax while being concealed at the same time, so no one will see me or socialize with me. The park was my place of comfort because I can disappear from the world, like I subconsciously desired. But it is also the place where I like to vent my frustration about me being me. The most common subject was about my powerful urge to be alone or disappear. After dark I would roar "why' into the sky to vent out my anger and frustration. The people around me are so loving and caring and yet I still feel the need to leave and never return. 

Current Mood: mellow
3 Dreams|Just Imagine
1:22 am
I have created my own time limit
The cross roads of my life are coming. I don't know when exactly but I can sense it approaching. I know that eventually I will leave the house; job or no job. I know my mother will resent that idea, more so than my friends. For a long time my emotions have been dragging across the ground, because I can't help but feel like waste of space and a burden on the house. She gets paid enough to be able to thrive on her own if I wasn't there and obviously if my brothers weren't there too. Just as well, it wouldn't matter who I stay with once I leave; without a job I will always be a burden. My friends have tried to make me feel better by using the "I'm not lazy" card or say "its a bad economy so you can't get too upset." However, no matter what they say, the fact still remains that I'am a liability without a income. At this point, I can no longer accept such form of praise or cheering up because it will only anger me. What I want to hear for now on is "what I can do to improve my odds." The clock is ticking for me; whether I move out into my new place or wander the country side, I refuse to be a burden anymore. Very soon I will see which way the tides will turn for me. The lord is watching me and I pray that he will help me...

Current Mood: depressed
1 Dream|Just Imagine
Monday, November 5th, 2012
8:39 pm
As the years go by I continue to change
Today I realized that I like being the last guy on womens mind. I like being the socially awkward guy, that is least likely to have a whole lot of friends.  I hate attention, and loathe the life of popularity. Before I met my love Lynn, I was so dead set on staying single forever, but Lynn was the only girl that has ever changed my mind. Now that shes gone, I have reverted back into my old mindset. I like to chase the dream rather than love, love diverts me away from my original path. However, my mindset to be alone, without friends at all have changed. My time in the manor has changed my perspective on life. 
1 Dream|Just Imagine
Sunday, November 4th, 2012
4:11 pm
Burning fire (Not finished)
Emerse yourself in my bright burning flame
Burn away all your feelings of sorrows, guilt and shame
Let your body succumb to my tender touch and warm embrace
Allow your mind to race with great haste
I will light the way on any dark path you may fear
I'll be the one to reassure when the path brings you to tears
My blue fire will make the mind ease the mood
My red fire will make the spirit feel renewed
Let my flames fuel your desires
Trust in my flame and let's rise you higher than spires
Aries endless praise will make one feel like a marvel
But it's the arian kiss that makes the heart sparkle



Just Imagine
Saturday, November 3rd, 2012
12:50 pm
When nothing goes right, I want to retreat back into the dark forest to plan something new. But I know that if I go back into the forest I may never want to come back out. The forest is vast with trees bigger than buildings, white mist obscures the forest like a curtain, In the forest I'am a ghost that can not be seen and can not  be found.
1 Dream|Just Imagine
12:06 am
Shy vs Bold
Taking life by the horns has always been helpful to me. When I leave certain situations alone such as an issue with the bank or if I hurt someone it comes to bite me in the butt later. Just as well I will be in torment because I didn't do anything to help. It doesn't matter if it's financial, work, or friendships, I see things through until the end.  
Back when I was in high school, I use to do a lot of shying away because I was afraid of screwing up and hurting others. When I did hurt people, I shied away fearing what they might think or say to me. I didn't like to hurt people so I believed that if I  thought if went away I won't hurt people anymore. However, I realized something; just as your more likely to lose than you win, your just as likely to disappoint than please others. One cannot be afraid of doing what is inevitable, but at the same time try to avoid it too. If you should ever cross that line that will hurt others, don't just shy away and leave them in pain. That will tell them that you don't care no matter how you may feel. Instead try to take their pain head on, in a delicate manner. If you take steps in trying to make the situation better,  or at least talk to them, you will be giving them hints that you care.... To be continued
Just Imagine
Friday, November 2nd, 2012
7:43 pm
Stone Cold Wolf
Believing in a crush is a lot like hoping for a miracle. When you actively chase after you the person your infactuated with theres a big chance your going to be disappointed. Just like when you hope, love is never a sure thing. Thats why I prefer togo with the flow rather than pursue it. I'm not a fan of believing in something that appear fabricated and not stone cold. I surround myself with stone hard facts rather than imaginary concepts because inside this tough exteriour is a soft and fragile heart. I I'am a man so I will be tough but I'm still human. Even the most battle hardened warriors fall prey to heart-break... To be continued
2 Dreams|Just Imagine
6:54 pm
One thing I always remind myself is that if something is obvious to me, then it's obvious to others

Current Mood: calm
Just Imagine
Friday, October 26th, 2012
4:07 am
Sometimes I wonder whether or not I'm going crazy. I feel like there's a question about me that I should be asking but I can't figure out what it is. I believe there is a problem with me but I can't figure out what it is. I'm starting to believe that what I'm isn't what I should be doing; but what the fuck am I suppose to be doing? In the previous years my world was so serene so when did my world turn up side down; or am I just wrapped in the delusion that something is wrong with me. Maybe I just don't want to try hard anymore. My self esteem is constantly being put to the test against the challenges of this economy. Time and time again I fail at my endeavors to be more successful and the more i fail, the louder i scream. Perhaps, I just don't see the point in trying anymore if I'm running the notion that the world is going shit. But that is in total contrast to my beliefs; when there's a will there's a way to succeed no matter what walls may stand before me... To be continued later
2 Dreams|Just Imagine
Wednesday, October 24th, 2012
11:41 pm
Journey through the darkness

A lone wolf wanders the forest at night

It's expression looked as though he's in plight 

Lost and confused he walk's through the dark

Lost in despair he tries to howls and bark

He howls hopelessly hoping for a reply 

But falling on deaf ears all it can do is sigh

With his head low he continues to wander through the forest

And his ears prick up to the sound of galloping horses

He watches them as they galloped through the forest with all their might

He watches them as they disappeared in the night

He turned his head hearing something from behind

He turned and bae his fangs hearing a awful growl

The forest turned black and his hair stood up to a deafening howl

The grasses the trees were pitch black

The air turned heavy and hard to breath

Sensing danger the wolf stood his ground and bared it's teeth

As it stared into the black only a red glow appeared

He stood his ground but felt an sudden surge of fear

He charged the red glow but he flew back

The wolf snarled as he prepares to attack

He was floating in the air and lost control of his body

He could hardly believe what he his seeing

He stared down at a blob of black mass

The blob was taking shape really fast

The wolf can feel his mind being crushed

He tried to escape in a really big rush

Squirming and struggling he  hopelessly fought with all his might

He felt his lungs growing more and more tight

He snarled and bit anything in his reach

There he saw a branch with he grabbed with his teeth

The tree shook back and forth with a lot of vigor

He pushed and pulled and body begun to shiver

The black blob was edging itself under the wolf  

 The blackness begun to engulf the wolf like a shroud 

As the blackness grew the wolf let out a saddening howl

Suddenly the blob started to shriek

The darkeness released the wolf but his body feels weak

He looked up and stares at the blob

Feeling for sure he was going to die he thought this was odd

 not taking chances he ran away with all his strength

His weakened body has weakened it's pace

He kept running never looking back

But the blackness was not far behind, still on the attack

He ran and until he saw a clearing

He ran out the forest as he feels his body tearing

 As he finally tripped feeling really weak

The blackness was upon his tattered body, things looked bleak

It grew bigger and bigger moving like a ocean in flowing 

Beginning to give up the wolf's sadness was growing

He looked up and saw the cloud begun to part

The clouds was looking as dark and gloomy as his heart

As they part a gleam of light appeared

Blackness begun to swallow the wolf acting out of fear

The wolf growled feeling of hate

He closed his eyes awaiting his fate

His heart felt like it was struck with a harpoon

The heard a voice say "don't worry it'll be over soon"

As the clouds begun to part more light began to shine

The blackness said I'm running out of time

It swallowed the wolf and retreated back to the forest

It retreated away without rest

The clouds parted and the moon appeared with a shine

The land was covered with it's silver light

The darkness shrieked in pain

It tried to get away but all was in vain

The darkness across land has disappeared

And only the wolf appeared

The blackness screamed and bellowed in fury

The wolf opened his eyes but everything looked blury

The sheet of darkness was disintegrating

The blackness screamed like it was burning

The wolf stumbled to his feet as the darkness disappeared

Though it was gone the wolf still felt a rage of fear

The black blob was still there

Standing there with a piercing red glare

It transformed into a familiar form 

The wolf was shocked by what it calls out of the norm

There stood a black wolf with red eyes gleaming

He stood there staring at it with growling

He got ready for combat but the light shined on the creature first

Sending it running back to forest yelling with a curse

The wolf stood and stared at the moon

With a feeling of relief sat down and howled

Thinking the light will shine his way he wandered off far away

During the night he encountered a little butterfly 

It fluttered around him making him feel merry

He didn't understood and he was curious

But after a new light he was a little less serious

He followed the little butterfly wondering where it's leading him to

He follows with optimism feeling it will lead him to a new and true



Current Mood: bouncy
Just Imagine
Sunday, June 1st, 2008
4:54 pm
Jasmine vs My heart

Jasmine why did you ask for my heart if you were going to be careless with it? My heart is turning the deep blue seas into crimson red after you ripped it in half and took one peace with you. Why won’t you give it back? My heart is suffering so much without its other “peace”. My soul and brain is in havoc over the very thought of you. Do you still believe your right; is that why you won’t return my “peace”? Surely you understand that you are a repeated offender in my world.  My world has a strict rule about morality, and loyalty. You have broken both rules and as a result, the trust that has been bestowed upon you has been stripped from you and you were banished for all time. However, whenever I see you again, my world still urges you to come back. My planet is being taken over by a plague of diamonds that is covering my ocean. Giant dark diamond spires have covered my planet and is sucking the world dry to search for the most valued treasure it possesses; the heart. Wounded and weak it cannot fend off the invaders without its “peace.” My world wants you to return so you can return my peace. You’re always wondering if my heart burns for you anymore. I would say “no.” But it wasn’t my heart that was speaking; it was my brain is governed by logic, wisdom, and knowledge. These three entities are the ones who told my heart what kind of person you are. They are the ones who tore off the wool that obscured my vision of you.  The masterminds of my being allowed my third eyes to peer into your mind, observe your behavior and conclude you intentions.  Just as well, the overlords are also fixing the problem with my world so I never needed you to return. The diamonds the has engulfed my world are being compact into a small sphere. The sphere sank into the crimson ocean and found my heart. My heart was dying in a deep dark trench where a black creature held it in its hands. The sphere enveloped my heart and shaped into the shape of the heart. It glimmered in a brilliant display of colors scaring the black beast back into the black depths. Once again my brain has shielded me from possibly being harmed again. My heart still loves you a lot, but my brain will not allow anymore harm from you. My heart no longer needs you to give my peace back, because I found peace from a more divine source. The grace of the lord has shined upon my dark and scarred stricken world. My heart was glowing as Jesus has swept it from the cold depths and held it in his warm hands. When the world hurts me and fails me, he is the one that stay’s with me despite my own faults

2 Dreams|Just Imagine
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
2:49 pm
Dug this up from myspace I shall finish it and edit soon
Lynn I miss you so. It's only been a day since you left for Russia and I still miss you already >_<. I miss your sweet personality, which also brought joy and tenderness to my cold gloomy heart. I yearn to stare into your gorgeous golden eyes that shined like your brilliance. I want see you again so I can stare and admire your beauty from head to toe. You had a passion for finding myths and legends and trying to find out about theyre existence. Meditation and practicing aura control was some of your favorite activities, I kind of got into it after observing you. Its so sad really, we knew that eventually we will have to part ways. You wanted to follow your dreams just like me no matter how much in love we are with each other.  We both followed the ideal that we should never let love get in the way of our dreams and happiness. I once said "Following your dream(depending on what it is), will give any person a sense of fullfillment." Following just love can lead to happiness but it can also lead people to heartbreak." To follow love is like a crossing a gorge over a rickety bridge, maybe it'll work maybe it wont." Those words made you so happy because it showed that I more than agree with your ideal. Thats why I'm not too torn up about you leaving, even though I miss you, I want you to follow your dreams even more. I see you as woman with great potential and any man would be blessed to have you as I was blessed to know you.

 I don't believe I will ever have another relationship quite like ours. Our relationship was so full of adventure, and excitement; We would go anywhere in the state if it means taking on a journey. You were so kind and gentle but also had a fiery tenacity when provoked. Your intelligence seemed to amazed me as much as mine amazed you. I don't know whether or not you were just humoring me but you acted as though I had all the right answers and I would tell you the same. I loved the fact that you were so independant. You knew how to cook, really well, but you always asked me to cook. Whenever I refuse you sometimes challenge me to cook -_-; did I always accept?......Yes... You were great with money too, a lot about money that I know I learned from you. Our souls would ignite when we're near each other. When we our hands is as tender as our lips our souls would blaze. We would peer into each others souls through our eyes, you would love my eyes as much as I loved yours.
Just Imagine
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