Dealing with tragic air is quite difficult especially when I never have anything uplifting to say. But what can you say? There isn't anything to say, just be there to lend a shoulder for the head to weep when needed. When I reflect on my love ones who were killed or died of disease, I remember how I would reject any positive attitude. Whenever I would hear, "God has a plan" I would say "How would you know that, if you can't tell me then shut up please before I hit you with bloody venison." Because of how explosive I was on touchy matters, I try to tread carefully on what I say because of how I would feel. I just wish I wasn't so awkward about it so I don't appear so obvious. Being uplifting once hurt me and eventually angers me. As if there's anything to be happy about. A permanent frown grew on my face in which case I if I didn't smile I look as if I'm angered or depressed.
At one time I had to seriously ask myself, do I need a reason to exist. I use to. Working towards the future, running on a wheel similar to a hamster. I can't say that I'm strong, just stubborn but also logical too. I've wallowed in the deepest trenches of depression and have contemplated on running away into the woods somewhere to lay down and let my body expire. But the fire in me won't until someone puts me out.