[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Wednesday, November 2nd, 2016|
|What grinds my gears.
One thing I have always despised about myself comes in one word "infatuation." Nothing turns my cold heart into warm jelly faster. Something so soul crushing, emotionally twisting, insomnia enduring that it makes me sick just thinking about it. Truly, I feel correct on remaining the bachelor. I kind of want to just adopt a kid and ignore the nonsense that comes with relationships
|Monday, October 31st, 2016|
|Out with the old shell. Reuse the old shell
It's been a while since I left an entry. What can I say? Out with the old life. My yearness for new and interesting things keeps me on the move. One thing that has always kept me down, is my concern for my family and friends, as if im some kind of guardian to them. What nonsense. I'm a guy, I'll admit I like being needed. But I have to accept that these individual bodies, must fend for themselves as do I. My life will not revolve around their concern..... Eventually I intend to leave this state. To acquire land of my own. Might be a bit easier to just move to any African country and buy a piece of land. Who knows, maybe I'll find a land with jewels under it.
One thing about changes is I have got to stop giving my number to people I never talk to. I like getting into things and giving them a window to get involved. But one thing I finally see now, some friendships are meant to remain acquaintances. It doesn't quite bug me since I got my own life to live, but I cannot force change in others. Hell, a friend of mine been trying to hang with me but after a while he stopped trying. We didn't exactly have an interesting friendship and I was too enveloped in my own thing. An old friend of mine Sky, we use to be best friends as kids but we're distant now. I did try to reconnect, but some things change after so many years.
One wierd transition I've been making is how I'm slowly reversing back to my lightly thuggish lifestyle that I once had as a kid. I feel that hanging with bikers has changed my attitude towards life. I'm not one to join any gang, group or coloaition, but I'll admit, I probably wouldn't be above joining a biker gang. Got more exciting shit going on than crips or bloods.
Phones. Sometimes they work with me and against me. When it comes being social, it will remain against me. Or is it me not accepting the phone? My weirdness towards sociability often keeps me distant from others. Not so much that I'm denying their attention(sometimes). But more along the lines of not wanting to blow up someone's phone hoping they pick up or text. I'm simply not that kind of guy. If they need me then they'll reply eventually. If not then I assume they're not interested. There's a fine line between being spontaneously social and annoying. Some days, when people blow up my phone I just don't answer. It's pitiful but it's how I think.
I'm 27, the many things that once filled my life with wonder are beginning to fade. I'm almost starting to not care anymore. Not care where I end up, or if I die tomorrow. Sometimes in the morning I ponder when is the Lord going to take me away? Will he make it a secret that only my closest families will know? Really, I sometimes wonder if I nuclear bomb will finally drop and when the dust settles if I survive, ill pick myself up and disappear into the carnage, away from this land. Of course if my family was away from the country I would be more inclined.
|Thursday, December 3rd, 2015|
At this time, i feel that im an imebicile. An idiot who wishes to be smart. I doubt myself a lot to keep myself from being too arrogant because arrogance has proven to be the downfall of many young men. But this time, i truly believe this of me. I just wonder if high intelligence is truly a gift you can acquire or an ability your simply born with. I initially accepted this of myself even if i disgust myself.
|Sunday, November 8th, 2015|
Life is definitely more fun if i dont always decide to look inward according to other peoples claims of me. That i would rather remain my own leader rather than someones follower. Only i will decide what about me needs tweeking.
|Friday, November 6th, 2015|
|Trying to adapt
I personally feel im one of those guys who is very enclosed by my sense of virtue and honor . In my past these values once dominated my life and i felt they define me and seperated me from the rest of the world. Now im wondering, whats the point? To keep myself from falling over the deep end? To give myself a better reason to be good than threats of burning in hell? Do these things even matter anymore? To me they do, but not as much as they use to. So far, common sense is what keeps me from doing anything stupid or what could be damaging for my present life and future. People around me are rather reckless but they dont care because being reckless makes you feel alive. Would life be more interesting if i just stop caring about the consequences of my actions and just go with whatever i want? It is within my nature as iam impulsive, but i never get off unscathed when i do something without a care. I also feel that i would be too respectful. I didnt believe there was any 9such thing when dealing people your comfortable with. But i knew because its also contradicting my nature as im kind of jerk. At this time, i now believe that i have tamed the fire within myself for the sake of my personal success. That the world wont like me for what my essence may be. Another contradiction as i claimed to not care what people think and yet i like being the center of attention. Im quite cold on the surface but i also love romance and touch. I still hate kissing unless im drunk perhaps. I use to like it despite my earlier entries but as you get older and stop seeing the world with rosy glasses you become more relunctant to be so intimate. I feel myself imploding because i do not act on my instincts but what my thoughts dictate
I personally feel im one of those guys who is very enclosed by my sense of virtue and honor . In my past these values once dominated my life and i felt they define me and seperated me from the rest of the world. Now im wondering, whats the point? To keep myself from falling over the deep end? To give myself a better reason to be good than threats of burning in hell? I feel that the moral values that have been hovering over me is now meaningless and I should kust forget about it. So far, common sense is what keeps me from doing anything stupid or what could be damaging for my present life and future. The rest of the world is seemingly on a different plain of existence than me and i struggle to interact because of this. Would life be more interesting if i just stop caring about the consequences of my actions and just go with whatever i want?
|Tuesday, September 1st, 2015|
Today, i remembered why i feel so cold and hard. I was once very expressive, emotional and sensitive. But over the years i have become numb. I feel that im afraid to feel anything anymore.
When my cousin Ramone died i was devasted, that was my first introduction to how it will feel to lose someone. I have many more after that. Whether they were family or friends. Murdered or illness. After a while i would swear my warm lively red heart was transforming. Turning into something deep blue with lifeless image of the cold atlantic, hard with small cracks with a dark aura seeping out, lifeless as a corps.
I dont fear death. But losing others to their demise is a great fear of mine.
|Monday, August 31st, 2015|
|My heart is cold
I need to set a day for meditation. Im too irritable, serious, and constantly lost in thought. Meditating use to calm my mind and make me feel as if im full of slow waters
|Monday, August 17th, 2015|
Sometimes you should look inward and scream, "Dude what do you have to be so depressing for? You have a roof, water, food and family." i know some peoples situation in life is way more serious than mine. Time to buck up or shut up.
|Thursday, July 30th, 2015|
Ever felt as if your world is beginning to crumble? The air becomes poisonous, skies disperse and revealing the stars, the ground beneath me falls apart thereby exposing the chasm of swords to pierce my body to end my struggling.
Dealing with tragic air is quite difficult especially when I never have anything uplifting to say. But what can you say? There isn't anything to say, just be there to lend a shoulder for the head to weep when needed. When I reflect on my love ones who were killed or died of disease, I remember how I would reject any positive attitude. Whenever I would hear, "God has a plan" I would say "How would you know that, if you can't tell me then shut up please before I hit you with bloody venison." Because of how explosive I was on touchy matters, I try to tread carefully on what I say because of how I would feel. I just wish I wasn't so awkward about it so I don't appear so obvious. Being uplifting once hurt me and eventually angers me. As if there's anything to be happy about. A permanent frown grew on my face in which case I if I didn't smile I look as if I'm angered or depressed.
At one time I had to seriously ask myself, do I need a reason to exist. I use to. Working towards the future, running on a wheel similar to a hamster. I can't say that I'm strong, just stubborn but also logical too. I've wallowed in the deepest trenches of depression and have contemplated on running away into the woods somewhere to lay down and let my body expire. But the fire in me won't until someone puts me out.
|Monday, July 27th, 2015|
Life is better when you ask questions rather than making a guesses or assumptions. Im apprehensive when it comes to leaving my bubble and over come my pride to get answers. I try not to ask too often because this makes me feel like a fool. Of course in one way or another we're all fools so i should loosen up a little bit. Whats a scientist to do without questions?
Last night, was rather wierd for me because i looked up ways of communicating with others. Sometimes deciphering other people can be both adventurous and tedious if my mind isnt home. I feel embarrassed studying this, but i have myself to blame for not going an extra mile to socialize. Guys i know care little but girls care plenty so i would need to be more proficient in communicating. Probably my biggest issue is asking others on how to talk to that particular person. I once questioned someone on such subject and he laughed histerically. Despite being darker skinned, you can see the red blush when i feel my pride has been shot and im now too embarrassed to speak. Its a shame that i still care for pride. I have been trying to work it out of my psyche. Its nothing more than a hinderance. Its my wall against me.
I use to not worry about going getting my life settled really fast or too slow, just cruise along without any hurry. Back before the economy went down, that was my method of navigating in the world. Right now, I don't want to be so casual and become the shark who make things happen. I really want to stop trying so hard, because that makes me tense, forces me to have a one track mind.
It's interesting how weird I can be towards intimacy. If i'm introduced to something new regarding intimacy I would over-think what I'm doing, not even think about being creative and just focus on pleasing. I still remember how some guy bragged about how well he banged his girl and I was thinking "Any knuckle head and fuck a girl until she can't feel her legs anymore who cares?" But perhaps it's my lack of excitement towards it is why I'm awkward. Any dude can get turned on by sex, but it takes another kind to have some passion for it. Passion is within me and I can tap it if I had my sleep and isn't annoyed at a variety of things. It could be quite evident in my lack of desire to kiss unless I'm saying goodbye or hello. Aries men are suppose to be good kissers and eager to do so and I know I'm good, just never eager because I always ask, "whats the point?" I'm complicated and only me can understand the topsy turvy brain of mine. Lol I feel that loving me must be similar to loving a lion. I don't kiss I bite, I'm heavy, and I don't know my own strength. Current Mood: crazy
|Saturday, July 18th, 2015|
I occasionally remember the open mouth kissing i witnessed that was so disgusting i went blind for a few minutes. In the past there were two forms of intimacy i was very shy towards; oral sex and kissing. Simply because i was against letting foreign substance enter my mouth that i didn't believe belonged there. I know that some instances I wouldn't care for such things if it wasn't killing me. Nevertheless, I do part take when the love is strong enough. In which case I wouldn't care for my personal opinions on such form of intimacy and allow my passion to take over.
My heart and body sometimes feel colder than a rock, surrounded by tall flames that feel cold rather than hot with a cool blue color. I'm the type of guy who lacks compassion to a certain degree, I wouldn't care enough to keep certain people from being burned by my fire. However, my control over it is still lacking and it sometimes leave burns others I do care about. I feel this fire is the wall of manifestation of my loner mentality that has developed over years. This wall is fierce and roars intensely as if there's a titanic animal letting out horrible wails while being burned alive.
I'am the brain wanderer. Current Mood: hungry
|The no games all work man
After abandoning some of my childhood endulgence, going back feels rather good and yet it somehow feels bittersweet. Some of my habits i keep with me because i saw them to be benefitial such painting or tinkering. One thing i tried shake off was video games. I wanted mold myself into my example of a ideal well rounded man. But playing games feels like a step backwards, i wish the urge to banish my childhood interest isnt so strong in me.
|Sunday, March 1st, 2015|
|I have returned.
Recently, I began to accept that being high strung and serious may be my endeavor to control my true nature. On the surface, are still waters, while underneath is a torrent of rushing wild currents. Back in high school, just like any man, I was flushed with hormones waiting to be released. But my brain kept a lid on my urges. I reject my natural urges, simply because it comes with negative consequences. More often I would wish being self controlled didn't matter to me so much. Whereas, one would say, "nuts to the consequences, you won't be able carry them beyond your grave anyway." So why care? Men everywhere have babies with random women and they don't have a care in the world. They just follow the primal instinct to spread their genes, which looked down upon in society(not saying I'm for their actions). They say bad boys make the babies while the good guys get reeled in to father them. I see that mentality in the wild kingdom so it makes sense to me. The loud trouble making boys who have so many records carry the most desirable genes yet not adequate for marriage. This might be one other reason why some women want to try and change a degenerate. I know I'm desirable, I'm just rebellious and fiercely independent.
The thing is, I'm an odd ball or so I have been told. Black men typically would jump into confrontation, but I don't care to. When a racist calls me all sorts of words, I laugh. Girls often come to me before I think about chasing, I found courting to be a poor use of my time back in high school and a little after. Gang-banging is dumb to me, a self destructive influence on modern society. Drugs, to each their own, but i fail to see the benefits. Drinking, maybe socially, however it brings the out little moron in me that was once chained in my brain. When I think about, this is rebelling against not just African-American culture it's rejecting popular ideals of mankind itself. Except, just like everyone else, I'm a slave to money, and my dreams push me forward into cash.
|Saturday, February 9th, 2013|
|Swords edge are sharp, eagle eyes are keen, body stands tough, mind stays acute
I strive to have form of a warrior. I fight other fighters, I yearn to use a weapon with absolute precision, to have the mind acuity of a master strategist. Would I use a gun? Yes if I was excellent at it. Whereas if guns can only have five bullets I can say "thats cool because I'm a expert marksman with a pistol anyway no bullet will be wasted. Do I wish to be proficient with a sword yes. I wan't to be good to make precise strikes, I have no need to hack my opponent in half, I would rather sever nerves making em incapable of attacking me. Just like my Chinese zodiac the snake, when it comes to defending myself I can be just as unforgiving.
I'am not the one to shy away from danger, In life danger gives me motivation to move. Sure I won't rush to look for trouble, but when I think about it I kind of like it, danger is that undeniable force pushes me to achieve greater things. In a way, that ideal makes sense. Hazards, makes us stronger, faster, and sharper, when you live in a passive lifestyle, all those things don't apply. in evolution, creatures are physically fit for what life they live or what deadly obstacles they encounter. Creatures such as Galapagos Iguana, it doesn't have any predators to fear from or competition for food. It lives in leisurely lifestyle allowing the comfort of keeping its guard down, slow, and passive. In contrast, the African Honey badger is full of vigor, keen in many senses, and not afraid to show it's ferocity in the face of danger. Why? Because it must deal with so many predators that could potentially kill it. I'm not saying I would be happier facing dangers every day, no one should try to make troubles for themselves, but understand how effective life can be whether you may view it as positive or negative. Perhaps that is why I do not ever want to sit in a retirement home, when I'm in a safe and tranquil environment, the challenge that keeps me moving is being stripped from me. I suppose I might be one of those people that would relish the life on the edge though I do not go searching for it. Because in the face of a crisis, I'am alive.
|Friday, February 8th, 2013|
It's been a while since my last update... My mind and heart has been so twisted up inside. My life is like a Great White Shark, I have to keep swimming no matter what ; If I stop I will suffocate. This year started off so slowly, I lack reliable transportation, I took a semester off so I can work on my finances, in the early mornings I'am job hunting but I stay home on the computer job hunting some more. I would take up on something more fun, but I feel so compelled to keep going and with good reason. Even though I'm not living on the streets it does feel like the economy is crashing down upon me. Now I feel as though my move has come to a halt. Now I feel depressed, and anxious. Such emotions reminds me of a man who committed suicide due to feel inadequate about his position in life, which is frightens me. I know in my heart that I'am not suicidal, but I do find life without adventure to be a bore. Artistic portraits is suppose to be what keeps me from pulling my hair out, but I began to gradually neglect on my activities. I not only began to under mind my art, I also put life as a whole behind my brain. Socialization, working out, martial art training, even walking outside; I stopped doing everything that keeps me happy. I have become obsessive with acquiring a high paying job. I believe it's because I equate money to freedom; to buy my way out of living in the polluted city where I need money for food and move into the forest where my success is dictated by how much green is around and how much animals I can hunt
|Friday, January 25th, 2013|
|Act without thinking
If one doesn't know enough to help in a particular situation then it's best to leave it alone. When you try to help without knowing what you are doing, you could end up doing more harm than good.
|Sunday, January 13th, 2013|
I have been wondering whether or not having fun means anything more significant than just fun. I remember how people would tell me that video games are pointless and a waste of time. Video games are fun, so is fun pointless? In a way it can be. Back when I was young, I was a practical type of person believing everything has a purpose. That ideology took a lot of fun out of life for me. I questioned the purpose of foot ball, running for track, reading. I expected everything to have definitive purpose in a scheme much bigger than myself. So when you put that into perspective, wouldn't you question the meaning behind everything that would seem pointless; case and point video games. What is the purpose of video games? Are we training for something? Are we sharpening our minds through mental stimulation? Why is there a need to produce so many different kinds of video games? But then I wonder why I do need to question everything and not just enjoy myself? Because life was never meant to be about fun. That fact of life has always been true ever since it's inception. But I then wonder, what am I working towards? Endless questions bring endless wonder.
|Tuesday, December 4th, 2012|
Well well, the storms that have tormented me this year is beginning to dissipate. The clouds of self loathing are clearing up and letting the light of my desires shine upon me. But as usual I never get too excited, or get ahead of myself. Just because a small ray of sun has penetrated the black skies, doesn't mean the rains, and winds will vanish. But I don't think the worst has yet to come, like almost every American, I'm aware that the economy is bound to get worse; or rather, the shit is going to hit the fan sooner or later. Many of us are making strides to mentally and physically prepare for such a world. Personally, I would rather live in the woods where the economy is dictated by the amount of food, water, shelter and protection. -_- Hmm I never would have guess that time without my computer would make me think this way. I still use my PS3 to type on here but I can only do so much. Checking e-mails is so risky on the ps3 so I never know who contacting me. -_-. Current Mood: pessimistic